Be a Proactive vs Reactive Parent
Affirming parenting practices help our kids build confidence and self-esteem
During a recent call with my eldest child, who is a college freshman, I learned that they earned a spot in a specialized lab and have an interview to become a campus tour guide. Alongside these wins, they confided in us about some disappointing test grades. Reassuringly, they told us about ways they’re taking stock of their study habits and scheduling more intentional time with certain subjects. The conversation was full and honest. They showed us the young adult they are becoming.
I walked away from this conversation with my heart and mind full of feelings: pride, love, anxiety, and, frankly, awe. Awe that we raised this kid who is now out in the world, meeting both rejection and success with the same pluck. Awe in the realization that they trust in themselves to try things and fail, then pivot and try again.
Where did the time go, and how did all of this come to be?
My kid’s self-confidence isn’t a happy accident, of course. It developed over 18 years during which their ideas and feelings were heard, honored, and reflected with care. Their needs were met without them feeling too much distress. Their self-esteem was also honed in spaces outside our home where their attempts to learn something new were encouraged and celebrated just as readily as any of their wins.
We aren’t perfect parents by any stretch of the imagination. As a family, we have experienced our fair share of moments we’d do differently, given the chance. But our love for and attunement to our kids has been consistent and reliable.
I’m not writing this to brag. Instead, I’m thinking about my child’s resilience and inner strength in light of the many American kids whose self-esteem needs a boost. Kids who are rebuked, ignored, or questioned because of the color of their skin, their geographic location, their economic status, their intellect, their sexual or gender identity, or their physical appearance. And as a consequence, kids who then question their inner knowing and doubt their intuition. Kids who sense threat around every corner or experience insecurity, but most of all, kids who feel unsafe within their own skin.
To thrive, all children need affirmation. They need to know that their needs, both physical and emotional, will be met consistently and unquestionably by a reliable caregiver. When children receive this kind of care from a parent, they are much more likely to weather the inevitable rejections of the world at large. When they encounter failures or mishaps with peers, teachers, or even store clerks, they know that they have a safe, protective home to return to. Unconditional love of this ilk resides at the core of a child’s being, providing an internal sense of safety and stability regardless of outside storms.
Over the past ten months, I’ve been thinking a lot about these principles and practices attached to them. I’ve been thinking about how the state and federal government have, in some cases, acted like rejecting parents to the most vulnerable people in our country, including gender-diverse kids. I’ve also seen examples of state and federal officials acting as affirming parents to those same kids.
I’ve been contemplating these themes on a personal level, as my nonbinary young adult child launches into the world. And I’ve been thinking about them professionally as I sit with kids who are getting misgendered in the classroom or traveling across state lines to get gender-affirming care.
Here’s what I know is true: the investment we make from day one to unconditionally love our kids pays dividends later. Affirming parenting is a proactive practice, not a reactive one. The kids in my therapy office who have received parental messages of acceptance and respect throughout their lives demonstrate the best treatment outcomes. The data from research done by The Trevor Project (and other organizations like this from the National Institutes of Health) supports this phenomenon.
All children need parents who recognize and respect their feelings. They need parents who say, “You’re not alone. I see you.” They need parents who value their authenticity in good and bad times and who give tools for maintaining that developing sense of self.
In the example of a child suffering bullying at school, a trans child also needs parents who will address the ongoing misgendering problem by educating the school and by practicing self-advocacy steps with them. When these needs are met on a consistent, though not necessarily perfect, basis, the child has a much better chance of surviving external messages and laws that invalidate them. Despite societal or systemic circumstances, the kid knows they are loved and that love empowers them to trust in themselves to the core.
Just like my college freshman, who is taking risks and learning about being an adult, in part because they have an unshakeable knowing that they are loved.
If you are a parent who needs help finding your way to affirming your child, you are not alone. Judgment-free advice can be found in my AFFIRM Program, a 6-month tailored coaching program for parents of gender-diverse kids of any age. If you’re ready to feel less anxious and more empowered in your parenting approach, schedule an Empowered Parent Breakthrough Session using this link.